Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
A life without regrets
We’ve all heard the phrase, “No regrets!”, usually uttered when about to do something a little unwise perhaps.
And yet, as alluring as the “Living Without Regrets” philosophy sounds, it’s not always so easy.
We regret missed opportunities.
We regret things that made us feel dumb.
We regret not telling someone we loved them more before they died.
We regret not spending our time more wisely, accomplishing more.
We regret procrastinating, not forming better habits, eating too many sweets, not writing the novel we always wanted to write, not reading all the books we planned to read, not mastering Russian or chess or the ninja arts.
We regret getting into bad relationships, or making mistakes in a past relationship.
Yes, we regret things, and sometimes it can be consuming.
Why We Have Regret
Simply put, we regret choices we make, because we worry that we should have made other choices.
We think we should have done something better, but didn’t. We should have chosen a better mate, but didn’t. We should have taken that more exciting but risky job, but didn’t. We should have been more disciplined, but weren’t.
We regret these choices, which are in the past and can’t be changed, because we compare them to an ideal path that we think we should have taken. We have an idea in our heads of what could have been, if only a different choice had been made.
The problem is that we cannot change those choices. So we keep comparing the unchangeable choice we actually made, to this ideal. This fantasy. It can’t be changed, and it will never be as good as the ideal. The unchangeable choice we made will always be worse. It spins around and around in our heads.
Why can’t we let it go? What’s so important that we need to keep thinking about it?
Why We Keep Thinking About Regret
I’ve noticed that I have a hard time not thinking about a bad choice because of how it conflicts with my self-identity.
We all have this idea of who we are: we’re good people. Perhaps we’re smart, or competent, or good-hearted. We make the best choices we can, of course, because we’re good people. Even if you have self-doubt and a bad self-image, you probably think you’re basically a good person.
And so when someone else attacks that identity — insults your competence, calls you a liar, says that you’re a cheater — it hurts! We get angry and defensive. We can’t stop thinking about this offense.
And when we believe we made a mistake, this also is an attack on that identity. We made a bad choice … why can’t we have been a better person and made a better choice? This bad choice conflicts with our idea that we’re a good person.
So the problem spins around and around, without resolution. There’s no way to solve this problem, because the bad choice can’t be changed and we can’t resolve the conflict with our self-identity.
How to Let Go of Regret
In examining why we have regret, and why it’s so hard to let go, we can see a couple of root causes that we can address:
1. We compare past choices to an ideal.
2. We have an ideal identity that conflicts with the idea of the bad choice.
These both revolve around ideals, which are not reality but our fantasies of how we’d like reality to go. They’re made up, and not helpful. In this case, these ideals are causing us anguish.
So the practice is to let go of the ideals, and embrace reality.
Here’s the reality of those two root causes:
1. The choice we made in the past is done, and we can’t change it. And in fact there’s some good in the choice, if we choose to see it. Being able to make the choice at all is an amazing thing, as is being alive, and learning from our experiences, and being in the presence of other really great people, etc. And we can be satisfied with our choices and see them as “good enough” instead of always hoping for the perfect choices. Some choices will be great, some won’t be perfect, and we can embrace the entire range of choices we make.
2. We are not actually always good, and in fact our identity can encompass a whole range: we are sometimes good, sometimes not, and sometimes somewhere in between. We make mistakes, we do good things, we care, we are selfish, we are honest, we sometimes aren’t honest. We are all of it, and so making a bad choice isn’t in conflict with that more flexible (and realistic) self-identity. It’s a part of it.
That’s all easier said than done, but when we find ourselves obsessing over past choices, we can 1) recognize that we’re falling into this pattern, 2) realize that there’s some ideal we’re comparing our choices and ourselves to, and 3) let go of these perfect ideals and embrace a wider range of reality.
This is a constant practice, but it helps us not look for perfection, not constantly review past choices, but instead find satisfaction in what we’ve done and focus in what we’re doing now.
Regrets are a part of life, whether we want them or not, whether we’re aware we’re having them or not. But by looking into the cause of regrets, and embracing the wide range of reality, we can learn to be satisfied with our choices, happier with the past and happier in the present moment.
And that is a choice you won’t regret.
Thank you, Zen Habits, for the wise words you give, you inside people
And yet, as alluring as the “Living Without Regrets” philosophy sounds, it’s not always so easy.
We regret missed opportunities.
We regret things that made us feel dumb.
We regret not telling someone we loved them more before they died.
We regret not spending our time more wisely, accomplishing more.
We regret procrastinating, not forming better habits, eating too many sweets, not writing the novel we always wanted to write, not reading all the books we planned to read, not mastering Russian or chess or the ninja arts.
We regret getting into bad relationships, or making mistakes in a past relationship.
Yes, we regret things, and sometimes it can be consuming.
Why We Have Regret
Simply put, we regret choices we make, because we worry that we should have made other choices.
We think we should have done something better, but didn’t. We should have chosen a better mate, but didn’t. We should have taken that more exciting but risky job, but didn’t. We should have been more disciplined, but weren’t.
We regret these choices, which are in the past and can’t be changed, because we compare them to an ideal path that we think we should have taken. We have an idea in our heads of what could have been, if only a different choice had been made.
The problem is that we cannot change those choices. So we keep comparing the unchangeable choice we actually made, to this ideal. This fantasy. It can’t be changed, and it will never be as good as the ideal. The unchangeable choice we made will always be worse. It spins around and around in our heads.
Why can’t we let it go? What’s so important that we need to keep thinking about it?
Why We Keep Thinking About Regret
I’ve noticed that I have a hard time not thinking about a bad choice because of how it conflicts with my self-identity.
We all have this idea of who we are: we’re good people. Perhaps we’re smart, or competent, or good-hearted. We make the best choices we can, of course, because we’re good people. Even if you have self-doubt and a bad self-image, you probably think you’re basically a good person.
And so when someone else attacks that identity — insults your competence, calls you a liar, says that you’re a cheater — it hurts! We get angry and defensive. We can’t stop thinking about this offense.
And when we believe we made a mistake, this also is an attack on that identity. We made a bad choice … why can’t we have been a better person and made a better choice? This bad choice conflicts with our idea that we’re a good person.
So the problem spins around and around, without resolution. There’s no way to solve this problem, because the bad choice can’t be changed and we can’t resolve the conflict with our self-identity.
How to Let Go of Regret
In examining why we have regret, and why it’s so hard to let go, we can see a couple of root causes that we can address:
1. We compare past choices to an ideal.
2. We have an ideal identity that conflicts with the idea of the bad choice.
These both revolve around ideals, which are not reality but our fantasies of how we’d like reality to go. They’re made up, and not helpful. In this case, these ideals are causing us anguish.
So the practice is to let go of the ideals, and embrace reality.
Here’s the reality of those two root causes:
1. The choice we made in the past is done, and we can’t change it. And in fact there’s some good in the choice, if we choose to see it. Being able to make the choice at all is an amazing thing, as is being alive, and learning from our experiences, and being in the presence of other really great people, etc. And we can be satisfied with our choices and see them as “good enough” instead of always hoping for the perfect choices. Some choices will be great, some won’t be perfect, and we can embrace the entire range of choices we make.
2. We are not actually always good, and in fact our identity can encompass a whole range: we are sometimes good, sometimes not, and sometimes somewhere in between. We make mistakes, we do good things, we care, we are selfish, we are honest, we sometimes aren’t honest. We are all of it, and so making a bad choice isn’t in conflict with that more flexible (and realistic) self-identity. It’s a part of it.
That’s all easier said than done, but when we find ourselves obsessing over past choices, we can 1) recognize that we’re falling into this pattern, 2) realize that there’s some ideal we’re comparing our choices and ourselves to, and 3) let go of these perfect ideals and embrace a wider range of reality.
This is a constant practice, but it helps us not look for perfection, not constantly review past choices, but instead find satisfaction in what we’ve done and focus in what we’re doing now.
Regrets are a part of life, whether we want them or not, whether we’re aware we’re having them or not. But by looking into the cause of regrets, and embracing the wide range of reality, we can learn to be satisfied with our choices, happier with the past and happier in the present moment.
And that is a choice you won’t regret.
Thank you, Zen Habits, for the wise words you give, you inside people
Monday, April 21, 2014
The laughter of a child can fill your soul, as the love of a child fills your heart.
Even having pneumonia, having two bright, sweet, beautiful, ENERGETIC boys for the day, made it a wonderful, fun day today that I desperately needed. Thank you so much Karen-and Jim for choosing me to care for these precious and amazing boys. I hope I give them the same care, love, and FUN, they give me. They told me first thing after getting here that they were going to take care of me today, they way I take care of them because I'm sick. Brennan even took out the play doctor/nurse bag and gave me a check up.
We watched two movies with snacks(not my norm as I limited my daycare to one hour of tv time and one hour kindle/DS time or just one whole movie) as I like to interact by arts and crafts, playing, reading a book to them or going to the park.) Ate lunch, free played, went to the park, painted rocks, played with the dress up box, then had only 15 minutes left before cleanup and pack up time I let them have kindle time with floppy socks (putting my knee high socks on their little legs...you get the idea) while I picked up the destruction of my studio. They usually do clean up with me but they were so quite that I let them be, but told them they owe me BIG TIME, lol then at 4 we got together the toys they brought, their kindles ready, floppy socks off, socks and shoes on, sweat coats on and they were ready....Dad comes and pandemonium! Why, I have no idea, it was all set to go...oh well everything made it out the door ok.
I may be a nurse, an artist, a writer, jewelry designer, singer, musician, lay Lama, with 4 college degrees but still love taking care of children, they give so much back. I ran a certified daycare for years until my kids both hit school and I hit college, I loved it then (but not the very little money $2 an hour per child) and I love it now ( and the pay is better but unimportant). I also love those little boys like nephews. I still am close with most of my former daycare kids all grown up, 6 here on Facebook and I still love them all. Hmmm I think I just wrote my blog here on Facebook. Well when the writing bug bites...That's what copy and paste is for!! Lol and so here is said paste!
We watched two movies with snacks(not my norm as I limited my daycare to one hour of tv time and one hour kindle/DS time or just one whole movie) as I like to interact by arts and crafts, playing, reading a book to them or going to the park.) Ate lunch, free played, went to the park, painted rocks, played with the dress up box, then had only 15 minutes left before cleanup and pack up time I let them have kindle time with floppy socks (putting my knee high socks on their little legs...you get the idea) while I picked up the destruction of my studio. They usually do clean up with me but they were so quite that I let them be, but told them they owe me BIG TIME, lol then at 4 we got together the toys they brought, their kindles ready, floppy socks off, socks and shoes on, sweat coats on and they were ready....Dad comes and pandemonium! Why, I have no idea, it was all set to go...oh well everything made it out the door ok.
I may be a nurse, an artist, a writer, jewelry designer, singer, musician, lay Lama, with 4 college degrees but still love taking care of children, they give so much back. I ran a certified daycare for years until my kids both hit school and I hit college, I loved it then (but not the very little money $2 an hour per child) and I love it now ( and the pay is better but unimportant). I also love those little boys like nephews. I still am close with most of my former daycare kids all grown up, 6 here on Facebook and I still love them all. Hmmm I think I just wrote my blog here on Facebook. Well when the writing bug bites...That's what copy and paste is for!! Lol and so here is said paste!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
please Re-read my first entry of while the dogs are away....
I've made some great improvements to my first entry of this blog so please 're read it, as I've added quite a few picture of the events of the cold war with descriptions beneath them, In anticipation of it being over and writing the story of how the hard earned peace came to be. Sorry I haven't written much lately but have been sick, but I'm on the upswing and will be back in action soon....till then
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
what's to come in the future.......and a few self promoting links :)
YES it's March!!! First off, I realize I don't have a link to my book, author page, artist page etc. posted on here so in the name of shameless self promotion I will list them at the bottom of this post. See, I'm nice. I won't make you look a ten or so web links before you get to read about my wondrous life lesson for today. I am awesome!! (Shoot!! I'm Buddhist, I choose the middle path..ok SOOO......I am mildly awesome?......No no... I am kinda awesome?.....hmmm... I'm almost awesome? Not quite right...........OH, WAIT!!!!).....I AM SOMEWHAT AWESOME!!..phew! Bad karma avoided! Ok, now what was I talking about, wait let me read.......Oh yeah...
Second off, I will be featuring interviews with other authors bi-monthly, most are modest indie authors, like me, who are undiscovered talents, some...ta-da, are well known. In the coming months, I will have interviews with links to their books, blogs, websites etc, so if you like the author, you can find their work easily. Although, l am just getting to know the work of the first seven authors, I do know that they are generous people with love of writing and a willingness to help other authors, like little ol' me. They bravely volunteered when I asked if any writers were willing to become victims and be interviewed for my blog. THANK YOU! The last three authors I asked to interview because I love their work and have become friends with them on Facebook and through email. I appreciate those friendships very much. I am awaiting answers from five other authors I have talked with, and will be adding their names soon, I hope. And lastly is a tribute to my #1 favorite author. The woman who turned me into the sci-fi/fantasy geek I am today. I had read a little sci-fi/fantasy before but wasn't really into it. THEN, at 22 sci-fi/fantasy deprived years old, I read the first books of Dragon Riders of Pern..... and my life changed. So I will share with you something I was lucky enough to do.
So, here are my victims so far. Not sure the order that their interviews will be posted, because of time constraints with my victims' schedules, but they will be posted at some point......
Armen Pogharian YA Fantasy
Astrid Grant
Janet Lane Walters
Sharon Ledwith MG/YA
Nancy C Weeks
Lynda Kaye Frazier
Andrea Parnell
Chris Redding paranormal/mystery On sale- Corpse Wisperer by Chris Redding
Malika Gandhi-I love her work! Very moving books beautifully written. Historical Fiction/Romance
Lama Surya Das (no relation) A world famous Lama with numerous book on Buddhist teachings, highlighting the Dzogchen teachings.
Trevor Makenzie- the ban of customer service people everywhere. He writes comedic emails to customer services for large companies like Wal-Mart and publishes them and their responses. He has a few very popular books published, which I loved and as you can see from a previous post, he is a man of his word and gave me a cookie for reviewing his book!
Now for the big surprise! I'll be sharing a transcript of a email conversation between my undisputed hero, the great Anne McCaffery, her son (not Todd, her other one who took care of her website) and myself, concerning artwork, specifically a charcoal portrait . This was about ten years ago and I still have my e-mails In a folder, and will never delete them. I was honored to have conversed with her even though e-mail. ..and more so to draw her. She was a beautiful lady inside and out and the world is a little less bright without her. Anne McCaffery, you will be missed. Unfortunately, I can not post a picture of the portrait, as I do not hold the copyright to the image. :(. It was still the most awesome thing I've ever done. Even better than my commission to do Jennifer Lopez's portrait, twice, and I do have right to post pictures of those charcoals as long as I don't sell the image as prints or to the media etc.
OK!! As promised my LINKS!
Facebook Author page. My Free short story-Shifting Moonlight the Prequel.-Smashwords
Facebook Artist Page. My Free Short Story-Shifting Moonlight the Prequel -Barns and Noble
My Studio/Gallery Page. My Free Short Story-Shifting Moonlight the Prequel -Apple Store/iTunes
My Deviant Art Page. Amazon kindle edition, coming soon ****download the mobi.prc version on smashwords for use on kindles for now.****
My Website (fot Art)
Second off, I will be featuring interviews with other authors bi-monthly, most are modest indie authors, like me, who are undiscovered talents, some...ta-da, are well known. In the coming months, I will have interviews with links to their books, blogs, websites etc, so if you like the author, you can find their work easily. Although, l am just getting to know the work of the first seven authors, I do know that they are generous people with love of writing and a willingness to help other authors, like little ol' me. They bravely volunteered when I asked if any writers were willing to become victims and be interviewed for my blog. THANK YOU! The last three authors I asked to interview because I love their work and have become friends with them on Facebook and through email. I appreciate those friendships very much. I am awaiting answers from five other authors I have talked with, and will be adding their names soon, I hope. And lastly is a tribute to my #1 favorite author. The woman who turned me into the sci-fi/fantasy geek I am today. I had read a little sci-fi/fantasy before but wasn't really into it. THEN, at 22 sci-fi/fantasy deprived years old, I read the first books of Dragon Riders of Pern..... and my life changed. So I will share with you something I was lucky enough to do.
So, here are my victims so far. Not sure the order that their interviews will be posted, because of time constraints with my victims' schedules, but they will be posted at some point......
Armen Pogharian YA Fantasy
Astrid Grant
Janet Lane Walters
Sharon Ledwith MG/YA
Nancy C Weeks
Lynda Kaye Frazier
Andrea Parnell
Chris Redding paranormal/mystery On sale- Corpse Wisperer by Chris Redding
Malika Gandhi-I love her work! Very moving books beautifully written. Historical Fiction/Romance
Lama Surya Das (no relation) A world famous Lama with numerous book on Buddhist teachings, highlighting the Dzogchen teachings.
Trevor Makenzie- the ban of customer service people everywhere. He writes comedic emails to customer services for large companies like Wal-Mart and publishes them and their responses. He has a few very popular books published, which I loved and as you can see from a previous post, he is a man of his word and gave me a cookie for reviewing his book!
Now for the big surprise! I'll be sharing a transcript of a email conversation between my undisputed hero, the great Anne McCaffery, her son (not Todd, her other one who took care of her website) and myself, concerning artwork, specifically a charcoal portrait . This was about ten years ago and I still have my e-mails In a folder, and will never delete them. I was honored to have conversed with her even though e-mail. ..and more so to draw her. She was a beautiful lady inside and out and the world is a little less bright without her. Anne McCaffery, you will be missed. Unfortunately, I can not post a picture of the portrait, as I do not hold the copyright to the image. :(. It was still the most awesome thing I've ever done. Even better than my commission to do Jennifer Lopez's portrait, twice, and I do have right to post pictures of those charcoals as long as I don't sell the image as prints or to the media etc.
OK!! As promised my LINKS!
Facebook Author page. My Free short story-Shifting Moonlight the Prequel.-Smashwords
Facebook Artist Page. My Free Short Story-Shifting Moonlight the Prequel -Barns and Noble
My Studio/Gallery Page. My Free Short Story-Shifting Moonlight the Prequel -Apple Store/iTunes
My Deviant Art Page. Amazon kindle edition, coming soon ****download the mobi.prc version on smashwords for use on kindles for now.****
My Website (fot Art)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)